Don't be a hater?

What exactly is a hater? If somebody could explain this to me, I'd forever be in your debt.

So far the only definition of "hater" I can draw from what I've seen/heard is someone who expresses a negative opinion upon any particular subject. It doesn't mean an abusive opinion, just a negative one.

Last week on a dreary rainy day I was dazzled by a vision in white. Was it an angel or Madonna circa 1980s? No, it was a teenager standing outside McDonalds on Boscombe highstreet wearing a white tracksuit with white trainers, a white t-shirt and a white hat. He couldn't have looked more ridiculous if he'd tried - it was like something out of a bad rap video. Due to the weather his trousers were a soggy grey at the bottom and there were a few mud splashes. One of his friends asked him why he was wearing this ensemble (a valid question in my opinion) and was told "don't be a hater, bruv".

A while ago now one of the accounts I follow on Instagram posted a tweegram text explaining that the account belonging to her sister had been disabled "because of all the haters". The full story was that her sister mainly posted pictures she found on sites like tumblr or reposts of photos from other users. The original owners and their followers had reported her for breach of the terms and conditions and for copyright theft and Instagram had blocked her account.

I'm a member of an online dialysis forum and long ago, before I even joined, a woman created a thread about how she was going to try and get pregnant despite being on dialysis along with a list of all the reasons why it would be ok. She obviously didn't get the response she wanted because she was immediately berated by all the other users for being irresponsible and an idiot. Her reply? "f*ck all you haters".

If a particular artist or type of music isn't to your taste these days you're immediately branded a hater. I can't stand Cher Lloyd or Skrillex and I'd be quite happy if I never heard mention of them again but if somebody told me they didn't like my favourite artists I'd take that as their right to have an opinion, not as being a hater.

To me, hate is a strong word. It's used to describe horrific crimes and the preachings of various religious nutjobs. It's not something to be thrown about whenever someone doesn't like your new shoes or the album you've downloaded.

Why do we expect to get a positive reaction to everything we do even when what we're doing is clearly insane? Getting pregnant whilst on dialysis is not only risky to you but also to your baby. Stealing the works of other artists and claiming them as your own is theft. Wearing an entirely white outfit on a rainy day in Boscombe is plain moronic.

Why are surprised when instead of getting a fan club, we get something different and why are we so quick to take offence to it?

Yesterday I managed to have my first Twitter "argument". My mother would be so proud. I accidentally caused offence to someone who asked if they should buy a hot tub. It started out as a three way conversation and was obviously light hearted. I joked about how the hot tub would freeze in the Scottish winters. The other person (who is also Scottish) said the only people that owned hot tubs in Scotland were the kind of people that appeared on Come Dine With Me. I then said that my ghastly neighbours who were utter pigs also owned a hot tub and that's when it all went wrong. He somehow translated that into me directly calling him a pig and him "taking offence to being tarred with the same brush by somebody with a name like a transvestite". Ok then. Me thinks someone might be a little bit too sensitive. In all seriousness, I was nearly called Rainbow Drops so I got off lightly with Romany Scarlett! Personally, I'd have taken umbridge to being lumped with the Come Dine With Me trash but each to their own. At that point I politely retired from the conversation and apologised for any upset that was caused (although in reality I was laughing my head off).

I wonder if we'd fawned over the suggestion and ooh'd and ahh'd about the prospect of a hot tub, the conversation would have been different. But that's the risk you run when you openly ask for opinions, you have to be prepared to hear ones that don't necessarily appeal to you. Also, much love to the two people that DM'd me to say what a douche this guy was. I appreciate the sentiment but didn't reply because it's best not to get wound up by the little things.

But what has given us this bizarre sense of egotism that everything we do is fabulous and must be praised? Is it because we're told as children that we can be whatever we want? Because that is a lie, we can't. I wanted to be a scientist when I was a little girl but unfortunately I lacked even the basic understanding of Physics and didn't get the grades I needed when I took my exams in later life. You see people on the X-Factor saying that they want to be international superstars but they sound like my dog howling at the terrier next door. Not everyone can be talented or beautiful or clever. That is why those words exist along with untalented, ugly and stupid.

I'd love it if everyone stopped pretending that they were so superior to others, took a step back and allowed people to express themselves however they wish to without being branded as a hater. If that means accepting that another human being doesn't want to listen to Skrillex at 2am on a Tuesday night (see, my neighbours really are utter pigs!) then so be it.

Stromboli

After watching the Hairy Bikers make one of these on Tuesday I absolutely HAD to give it a go. It's probably one of the worst things I could make given that white flour hates me and Rich is lactose intolerant so shouldn't eat cheese. But hey, it's Friday and we've got all weekend to be ill. And anyway, it was SO worth it.

The original recipe is HERE but I changed it up a bit because I'm lazy.

I copied their dough method and recipe pretty much exactly apart from using garlic infused olive oil instead of the plain stuff.

Neither Rich or I like chunky tomato sauces so I used normal pasata straight out of the jar. It's also because I'm lazy and wanted to watch something awful on the telly. A teaspoon each of Very Lazy chopped garlic and chilli were also added to the pasata.

The fillings we had were prosciutto ham, smoked bacon, sausage, salami and three different kinds of cheese. At the time of writing the posh prosciutto ham is half price in Sainsbury's and the pre-cooked smoked bacon strips are £1.75 and I only used a quarter of a packet. I cooked the sausages last night and pulled them apart into tiny pieces. The cheeses were grated mozzarella, grated mild cheddar and reduced fat buffalo mozzarella although quite frankly, trying to reduce the calories on a recipe like this is a futile mission.

After I stretched the dough and skillfully and artistically placed scattered the fillings I tucked the edges in and rolled it up which was actually easier than I had anticipated.

My rolling could have been neater but it was my first attempt so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. After a second proving and 30 minutes in the oven the meaty beast emerged golden and glorious.

We had ours with a side of baby spinach drizzled with a bit of garlic oil.

There was more than enough to feed myself, Rich and my mum as well as the birds in the garden who have been given the ends of the Stromboli to feast on over the weekend although poor Monty was unsuccessful in his begging attempts.

Overall it was love at first bite but I must have done something wrong. When I watched the Hairy Bikers make theirs, they used only ham, mozzarella and basil - around half what I used in terms of volume but even with the mountains of fillings we all felt that they got a bit lost in all the bread. I used 4 whole sausages, 4 torn slices of ham, several strips of bacon and an entire mozzarella ball not to mention the grated cheese and slices of salami. It looked like so much before I rolled it up and I was worried I'd over done it but I think you could easily double that!

I'd still rate it a solid 8 out of 10 and it's something I will definitely be making again in the future. That's if we both the survive the weekend ahead without dying from our food intolerences. Oops. 

How to become a better person?

I mentioned in a blog on Sunday that my doctor told me that now I had a working kidney I also had a second chance in life and I had to go out and do good in the world. I've changed my career path and now work for a local charitable organisation but how do I go about changing myself for the better?

On paper I have a place reserved in Hell. I don't like children, I'm not fond of cats, I'm impatient, I watch utter trash on the telly, I swear too much, I drive aggressively, I'm more than happy to make disparaging remarks about someone not looking their best, I don't have a lot of sympathy for anything self-inflicted, I'm pro-choice, want the death penalty reinstated and I don't believe in any kind of god. I've also voted Conservative more than once. 

In my favour people always comment on how cheerful I am, I'm loyal, generous and would do just about anything for a someone I care about. I've always made friends easily and been popular so I must be doing something right.

I thought about becoming vegetarian like I was back when I was 17. Surely not eating animals would make me a better person right? But then what if I became one of those militant vegetarians who looks down on everyone and likes to bring up the subject at every opportunity? 

Or I could give up my car and start cycling everywhere. It would certainly help with my weight loss quest and I'd be helping the environment. But we've all met one of those cyclists who truly believe they are the second coming of Christ because they cycle instead of drive.

Maybe I could become more spiritual but I'd hate to end up being one of those people who thank Jesus for letting their sports team win whilst ignoring starving nations.

I used to follow someone on Twitter who took up running. Now he posts a daily brag about how far he's gone that day. It's great he's found something he loves so much but if we all ran 10km each day, who would he boast to? Why do people feel the need to use their achievements as a way to belittle others? I grew tired of "Booyah, ran 12km today while you lot ate chips. Who's the daddy" tweets so a swift click of the unfollow button soon put an end to that.

You can still be a good person whether you eat meat, drive a car or sit on your fat ass watching Jersey Shore.

So how do I improve myself? I've come to the conclusion that by making self improvements you run the risk of actually becoming even worse than you were before. I think the only way I can become a better person is to take full advantage of the opportunity given to me by my kidney transplant. I'll enjoy the freedom it brings to do all the things I love and I'll make sure I stop along the way to remember how lucky I am.

I definitely won't stop eating bacon or swearing though.

Nine Months of Freedom

Today is the nine month anniversary of my mum giving me a kidney. It hasn't been a smooth nine months, I'm three stone heavier than I have ever been due to the steroids and I now have type 2 diabetes which can be attributed to my anti-rejection medication. But still, I'd take obesity and insulin over dialysis any day of the week.

Dialysis is quite simply the worst thing I have ever or am likely to ever experience. It is relentless in taking over your life. I found I was unable to do anything without having to consider how it would affect my treatment. What I could eat or drink, when I could make plans to see people and having to give up work. Holidays were out of the question. There is no break from dialysis. You HAVE to go otherwise you will die.

During the time I was ill I not only had dialysis to deal with, I also had to cope with having two major operations to remove my rugby ball sized broken kidneys, I developed a hole in my stomach which caused internal bleeding and nearly killed me twice, I needed 6 blood transfusions, I had several fits and my phosphate levels were dangerously high. During treatment for the hole in my stomach the doctors also found pre-cancerous cells that they had to remove. And all that is only the half of it.

I had to give up work which was soul destroying for me. I know that might sound ridiculous as we all hate getting up on Monday mornings and trekking to the office but my parents have always instilled a strong work ethic in me. I had never been unemployed since the age of 15 when I used to help out in a sandwich shop on Saturdays and school holidays. I had always earned my own money and I had built up a successful career as a legal secretary. I was earning well over £30,000 a year in London but when my health got too bad we made the decision to move to Bournemouth as my parents live here and it's where I went to school. I got a job with the NHS and my wages halved but after a few months the decision was made that the only way forward was to remove my kidneys and start dialysis and that was it. No more work for me. I went from earning what I considered to be a small fortune to relying on Rich for everything. I am fiercely independent and it was not easy.

I lost most of my friends because of kidney failure. There is only so many times a person can invite you out only to have you call it off due to ill health before they stop calling. Equally, there is only so many times someone can deal with a grumpy ill person before they become frightened of saying something to upset you. In the beginning I had a hard time listening to what I deemed to be trivial problems like "oh, Sue at my office is such a bitch, she bought the shoes I had my eye on" or "do you know what time Chris came home last night? 5am, that's when. He woke the baby up, the dog was barking and that doddery old bastard next door complained". I wanted to scream at them that a few hours earlier I'd been on dialysis and that these troubles were tiny and insignificant. Obviously I realise now that regardless of what anyone else thinks, our problems are the most pressing subject in the world to us. I'm sure that had I come across someone dealing with a death I'd have been told off for feeling so sorry for myself because at least I was still alive. I also stopped seeing people because I felt I had nothing to offer them. I had no witty stories or tales of a hedonistic weekend to giggle over. All I had were tales of my latest hospital stay. I didn't want people I cared about to see me like that so I stopped returning their calls or emails.

On 15th July 2011, I had my transplant. I won't go into how hard it was for me to accept the kidney from my mum because I'll start crying and I can't afford to replace a tear soaked laptop. It started working immediately and I didn't realise how ill I had actually felt on a daily basis until I noticed how alive I felt. When I think about how fantastic I feel now, even with the extra weight and diabetes, I am amazed I made it out of bed back then. Not everything about my time on dialysis was bad, I learned to bake and I read a zillion books. Now that my horrible kidneys are gone forever I'll never be in pain from them ever again. I've been able to throw away the morphine, codeine and tramadol that I've been taking since I was 19 years old. All the stress was worth it just for that.

Flash forward nine months to today and things are very different. I'm back in paid employment, although in a totally different industry. I work for a company that helps local charities obtain funding, improve their goals, reach their target clients and give them a voice in the area. My doctor said to me "Romany, now that you've got a kidney you have a second chance and you have to use it to do good in the world". So I am. Instead of going back to law and being money orientated, I'm helping people improve the lives of others. Admittedly I'm doing this from behind a desk but every cog in the machine has it's role to play. I'm also reconnecting with the friends I pushed away and I'm a lot more sympathetic when someone wants to have a little whinge about their boyfriend.

If anyone out there is still reading and has made it this far, I would beg you to join the organ donor register. My mum gave me her kidney because we weren't sure how much longer I'd last without one. You don't need your organs when you die. Leaders from all the major religions agree there is no reason not to donate. People have always craved fame or immortality but what better legacy to leave than the gift of life?

The Grand National

I'm writing this blog for several reasons. Firstly, it's just taken place and emotions are running high on the internet as people debate it, secondly - Rich is still away on holiday so I have unimpeded access to the laptop and thirdly, iPlayer isn't working properly and I can't catch up on Britain's Best Dish.

I have always bet on the Grand National ever since I was a little girl. There used to be a horse called Romany King and my dad would always put a 50p each way bet on for me. When he retired I would choose the horse with the name or jockey colours that most appealed to me. Over the years I have usually won something with an each way bet, even if it is only a couple of pounds.

I very rarely watch the actual race though because it makes me feel ill. I don't follow horse racing and the Grand National is the only gambling (other than the lottery) that I partake in so I can't pretend to know much about the subject. I don't understand why the jumps are made out of bits of twigs and leaves that fall apart so easily or why they need to be so high. It is sickening to see a horse or jockey fall and the results are often tragic. I watched the race today with my mum and by jump number 12, we had both looked away and were only listening to the commentators.

I can totally understand why people are so against the Grand National because of the number of horse fatalities but I can't say I necessarily agree with them. I would like to think of myself as an animal lover, my dog is treated better than some children, I get upset when I read stories about cruelty in the papers and I regularly donate to animal charities. However, I can't help but come to the conclusion that a lot of the people crying so loudly about the Grand National are huge hypocrites.

On Facebook I have seen someone write a lengthy status update about how cruel and unnecessary the race is. This same person posted a status only a week ago about him cooking a live lobster and how delicious it was. How can you justify boiling an animal alive yet be so offended by a horse race? Yes, I suppose the horse won't be eaten but equally, how much meat do you get off a lobster?  I haven't eaten fish or seafood for lengthy and bizarre reasons that I won't go into now but the main reason is my complete horror at how creatures are killed and how much wastage is involved.

These horses are bred solely to take part in horse racing. If the Grand National or similar races didn't exist, neither would these horses. Most of the horses that took part today seemed to be 10 or 11 years old. During those years they live lives that are undoubtedly better than mine or yours. They have the very best medical care, food and living arrangements. They don't have to wait a week to see their vet like we do with our GPs and they certainly won't be eating any cheap junk food. They're well groomed and looked after because of the huge amounts of money their owners invest in them.

They have a considerably better experience on this earth than most of the food you eat. Hell, they have a better life than a lot of humans on the planet. I'm no vegetarian but unless you buy free range eggs or organic free range meat from accredited farms then you need to have a word with yourself. If you've eaten a takeaway curry, burger or shop bought sandwich this weekend then you can guarantee that the meat inside would have been from the cheapest possible source which would mean the animals lived a miserable existence. I wholeheartedly agree that you can be a meat eater and care about animal welfare but perhaps your indignation at how horses are treated could be better directed elsewhere.

I will continue betting on the Grand National for as long as it exists. Especially if like today I pick the winner. Thank you Neptune Collonges for the gift of pizza that was delivered this evening.

Books vs Kindle

This debate has been raging for quite some time now and I'm forever seeing tweets about the subject.

There are some people who seem to be riding a perilously high horse by refusing to buy a Kindle because "books are better, no contest, end of story". They seem to have the belief that by not buying an e-reader they will single handedly stop the decline of books and that anyone with a Kindle must be killed with fire.

I simply do not understand this line of thought.

Along with a boy named Dominic, I was top of my class when it came to spelling and reading. As a little girl I devoured every single Enid Blyton book like Malory Towers or The Famous Five. As a pre-teen I couldn't get enough of Sweet Valley High and when I was 13 I discovered the glorious Discworld and it's wonderful inhabitants all created by Terry Pratchett.

In short, I have always enjoyed reading and it's fair to say I have a strong love of books. I don't want to see them die out but, to put it simply, I love my Kindle more.

Rich bought me a Kindle when I started dialysis. I cannot begin to tell you how boring it is to be attached to a machine by two needles unable to move for FOUR hours three times a week. It is essential to keep the arm with the needles completely still during treatment. My fistula (the bit they put the needles in) is in my left wrist which made holding a book and turning the pages impossible. Ok, not impossible but very difficult. I have seen many fellow patients attempt to read a book only to give up after losing their page too many times or dropping it on the floor. If you think I'm being ridiculous, sit in a chair and try and read a book using only your right hand to hold it and turn the pages. Yes, you could put the book on your lap every time you need to turn a page but imagine trying to do that for four hours, especially with a hardback.

Rather than having to watch four hours of brain rotting daytime tv, the Kindle meant I could transport myself away from my current world of dialysis to all kinds of places. I could hold it comfortably with one hand and turn the pages with the click of a button helpfully placed exactly where my thumb rested. I was able to read the Lord of the Rings which I would never have done in paperback because it's such a beast. The Kindle store also allows authors to publish their own works without needing a contract. Thanks to this I discovered several authors I would never have even heard of. Everything that is no longer under copyright is free so books such as Dracula and anything involving Sherlock Holmes can be downloaded for nothing more than the cost of your time. Of course you could go the library for free books but there is no guarantee they will have what you're looking for and if you're late returning it then you better be prepared to pay the fee.

The Kindle works wirelessly with no need for cables. I was incredibly lucky in that my dialysis unit offered free wifi to patients so every time I finished a True Blood novel or a Detective Jackson Mystery, I could connect to Amazon through the Kindle and download the next book in the series. Right there, in my chair still attached to the machine.

I would have loved a Kindle when I lived in London. I always read on my commute but carrying a heavy book around would sometimes prove difficult. There were also two occasions that my journey was delayed and I finished my book leaving me with nothing to do but read the thrilling adverts on the Tube. With a Kindle you can carry practically limitless books with you at all times on a near weightless device.

The only issue I have with the Kindle is the cost of some of the books. There are always offers and deals in place to get cheap books and I've already spoken about how many freebies there are but newer releases are priced at nearly the same as the hard copy. This isn't a fault with the Kindle itself but more to do with publishers. Either way, I fail to comprehend how a 2kb downloadable file that essentially is free to create and doesn't require delivery or storage space can cost the same as a weighty hardback that needs to be printed, shipped and stacked on a shelf.

I will always treasure the books I do have and one day I hope I'm fortunate enough to have a home library where I can proudly display them all. I will have a huge chair and an open fire so I can sit and read for hours and hours. However, I will need to win the Lotto first!

The Kindle changed my life for the better by making dialysis bearable. It gave me access to new and otherwise unpublished authors as well as enabling me to try out new genres. I'm not saying that a Kindle is for everyone but I'd really appreciate it if people could stop making out that I'm a heathen because I own one.

Oreo and Brownie Cupcake Pushpops

Apparently the next big thing in the cupcake craze is pushpops. Yep, just like those sweets from the early 90s but with cake and frosting. As soon as I saw these I absolutely HAD to get some so I asked for a tester pack for Christmas. As soon as I tried them out I demanded more for my birthday.

Those are the empty cases. You can wash and re-use them or you can simply discard them as they're pretty cheap. Personally, I like to re-use them because it seems a shame to throw them away. You can buy them from eBay for around £4.50 for 10 with free postage. You can buy larger quantities and the more you get, the cheaper they are. 

I wasn't expecting to do any baking this week but Rich sprung the request on me yesterday as he wants to take some of these on his holiday to give to his friends. The only problem with the short notice is that I'd spent £10 on bacon and halloumi already and brownies are expensive to make. I'm not even remotely ashamed to say that I used a box mix for this recipe. I'm not a baking snob who frowns upon short cuts. Sure, things taste better when made from scratch and you get a bigger sense of satisfaction but there are occasions when time or money mean you have to work to restrictions. Also, if you're baking with kids - not that I would EVER be baking with a child - it can be easier and less messy to use boxed mixes. 

I used a Betty Crocker chocolate fudge brownie mix and I had to add an egg, some water and little bit of oil. 

After mixing, I divided the batter into a 12 slot cupcake tin. You can bake it in a cake pan but you end up with a lot of off cuts and wastage. It also means that every brownie has the nice chewy edge and squishy middle and the cooling time is a lot quicker.

Baking times will depend on your oven and what mix you use but these took about 15 minutes to cook.

While they're baking, you can make the Oreo frosting. I've used 100g of unsalted butter to 200g icing sugar and 3 crushed Oreo cookies. You need to bash the Oreos so you end up with some fine crumbs and also some larger pieces.

When it's all mixed together, it should look something like this. 

Layer the brownie and frosting inside the pushpops. A good ratio is 3 pieces of brownie to 2 layers of frosting. Using a piping bag helps keep the sides of the pop clean but you could use a spoon. The end result will be something like this.

If you don't have a cupcake tin or would prefer to use a pan, you don't need to throw the offcuts away. I made some of these pushpops a while ago to send to a friend and I mixed the offcuts with leftover frosting, rolled into balls, coated in white chocolate and sprinkled with Oreo crumbs. This box of pushpops and bonbons made it all the way from Bournemouth to Manchester in perfect condition so they're great to send to people as gifts. 

You don't need to just use these for cakes. They would be great to use with ice-cream especially with summer coming up. Kids would go crazy for them. 

Halloumi and bacon burgers

I love putting halloumi and bacon together. I know it sounds like a salty nightmare but it really is delicious.

Halloumi has to be one of my top ten foods. My favourite way of preparing it is to drizzle it with garlic infused olive oil and either griddle it or, even better, barbeque it. I have introduced so many of my friends to this gorgeous yet bizarre cheese and not one of them has ever said they don't like it. I even sent a packet across the Atlantic to a pal in America who had never heard of it and couldn't find anywhere near her that sold it. You can get it in any supermarket now in both normal and light and Tesco do an amazing chilli version. Asda also do a chilli one but I'm not keen on it. I've not tried the cracked black pepper one but I'm sure it would be superb.

I made these a couple of weeks ago and had loads of requests for the recipe so I figured I'd put it in writing and bring joy to your lives. We also had them for dinner tonight so while the memory is fresh, I'll type up the details.

Unless I'm baking, I don't tend to use specific measurements. For each burger I did two rashers of bacon and two slices of halloumi. A whole packet of mince is enough to make quite a few burgers so it's a good idea to either get some friends round or freeze the burgers you don't use.

Here are the basic ingredients.

I wouldn't usually have Marks and Spencer halloumi and bacon but I was in their Simply Food shop in Westbourne yesterday and figured that since Rich is going on holiday tomorrow, I'd get the good stuff for a change. 

Obviously you need a few more items, buns would be helpful as would salad and some ketchup.

This is how you want the bacon to look. If you can't snap it in half, it's not crispy enough. There should be absolutely no movement in it whatsoever. I get so upset when I order something in a restaurant that specifies "crispy bacon" and when it arrives I'm presented with greasy and floppy rashers with chewy fat. Yuck. I cook the bacon before I do anything else because that gives it plenty of time to crisp up and for the grease to dry off. It also means you can cook the burgers in bacon fat. 

The method

Finely chop about a third of the halloumi and mix it in with the beef mince. Add an egg to act as a binding agent along with with some seasoning but go easy on the salt because the cheese and bacon will take care of that.

Shape into burgers using your hands or with a fancy machine if you happen to have one. I don't and the old fashioned method is good enough for me. Make the burgers as big or as little as you want.

Start to cook the burgers in the left over bacon grease but don't cook them all the way through. Nobody likes a greasy burger so I finish mine off in the oven by putting them on a wire rack above a baking tray. The excess fat will drip off onto the tray. Ideally it would be great to cook these on a bbq but this is Great Britain and it's not quite the weather for it just yet. 

Cooking times will vary depending on how big you made your burgers and how you like your meat. 

While your burgers are in the oven you can prepare the halloumi. Cut two slices per burger and either griddle or fry. If you're planning on cooking a lot of burgers you might need two packets of halloumi so you don't end up with slices that are really thin.

Cut some buns in half and add the salad of your choice. I've put the lettuce and onion on the base of the bun and the bacon and halloumi on the top half.

Add the burgers and you're done!

I've served these on wholemeal buns because white flour doesn't like me very much which is a shame because I'm rather fond of it. I also did some garlic cream potatoes but you could have anything you like - chips, more salad or even couscous. 

This is definitely not a dish for anyone trying to lose weight but it is fabulous for a treat. As for me, I am currently trying to lose weight so it'll be basic rations for me tomorrow!

The obligatory handbag post

I've seen loads of blog posts about what girls carry around with them in their handbags so I thought I'd join the party.

I realise just how little I keep in my bag compared to some people but this works out well for Rich as it means there is always plenty of room for his phone/wallet/vita etc when we go out.

Here are the general contents:

I won't leave the house without my purse which is a purple leather beauty from Aspinal of London. It was my leaving gift from the law firm I worked at in London and I love it dearly. I know it cost £100 because I was going to buy it for myself with my final salary payment as I knew I'd never be earning that kind of money again but my friends surprised me by clubbing together to get it. 

I also won't leave the house without my blood sugar testing kit and glucose tablets. About 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with diabetes as a result of my kidney transplant anti-rejection drugs causing chaos. I inject myself with insulin every morning and take 6 tablets a day to keep it under control. 

I always have ear plugs in my bag because for the 2 years I was ill, I'd often be sent to the hospital at very short notice and end up having to spend the night. I'm a very light sleeper and it's nothing short of a miracle that I didn't murder any patients for snoring. I soon learned to keep some ear plugs with me at all times and despite being fit as a fiddle (well, apart from the diabetes) I still carry them just in case. 

My passport is obviously for ID purposes. I lost my driving licence card several years ago on a night out and only recently replaced it. I guess my passport can retire to the safety of the bedroom drawer now. 

Two kinds of Vaseline, because a girl needs options and a MAC lipgloss for obvious reasons.

A pen and a little pad in case I need to make a note of something.

Oh, and a breath freshener spray. I have a weird addiction to mints so I can't buy TicTacs or Trebor Extra Strong anymore and got bored of finding little bits of tissue with chewing gum inside at the bottom of my bag so I switched to this stuff. 

I usually have a packet of tissues with me too but I ran out and haven't replaced them yet. 

I always have these 6 things inside my purse aside from the usual cards and receipts.

A cashout voucher from the Rio in Las Vegas. It's only for 75 cents but it means that even when I have no real money in my purse, it's technically not empty.

My steroid treatment card. I don't really know why I have to carry this with me but when I had my transplant I was told to keep it on me at all times so I do although I've never had to use it or show anyone. I like to think that when the inevitable day comes that I do punch someone in the supermarket for blocking an entire aisle with their trolley, I can use it as a roid rage pass. 

A super old photo of Rich when he had longer hair than mine.

My front row ticket to see Eddie Izzard at the Tivoli. I carry this because he's a hero of mine. Not because of all the marathon running or weird recent political involvement - it's because since I was 13 he has always made me laugh no matter how sad I am. I used to have a severe phobia of needles. I've been known to cry, scream, pass out, vomit, run away and have a panic attack just from seeing one on the telly. Dialysis would have been impossible so I had some hypnotherapy from the Renal Psychologist to cure my fear. I had to use an "anchor" and was told to pick someone I admire and respect so I chose Eddie. The psychologist said it was the first time she'd ever had someone chose a comedian and would be suggesting it to more people. 

The guardian angel was given to me by a good friend and has the world "health" written on the back. I'm not a big believer in angels, nor do I disbelieve in them but I appreciated the gesture. 

My lucky penny is from one of those coin machines you find in tourist places. I got this from the top of the Stratosphere in Las Vegas. I'm still yet to win the Lotto so I can't say it's bought me any substantial fortune but I am lucky to be alive and that's enough for me. 

Munchables

I love baking. I'm obsessed with it. I rarely use recipes out of books and prefer to make my own up when it comes to cakes. I have three trusty cake mixes that I know by heart and I pretty much add or change ingredients depending on what I'm experimenting with.

I learned to bake while I was ill to take advantage of the rare occasions I felt normal between dialysis sessions. I was never able to try what I'd cooked as things like chocolate and fruit are frowned upon during renal failure. And anyway, whisper it quietly, I don't like frosting. Shock horror! It's just too sweet for me. As a child if I was given 50p I would always buy crisps instead of a chocolate bar.

As it turns out, I'm a bloody good little baker which was a surprise to everyone given that I was born without the patience gene. If I could, I'd open a cupcake food truck and I'd drive around the south coast selling goodies. I'd call it Sparkles and every cake would have glitter on it.

There are a few items I could not live without when it comes to baking. My giant frosting nozzles and disposable piping bags from Lakeland, my food mixer - especially the balloon whisk attachment, my pallet knife and my silicone bakeware. They have all been life changers.

Anyway, here are a few (a lot) of my favourite bakes.

Brownie burgers, vanilla cake buns and shortbread fries

Chocolate Fantasy Cake 

Raspberry and white chocolate butterfly giant cupcake 

Banoffee cake 

Chocolate Buttons giant cupcake 

Chocolate and cherry cupcake 

Cookie Monster cupcakes 

Chocolate cake with Baileys frosting, Cadbury Fingers and Malteasers 

Ice-Cream cupcakes 

Lemon cake 

Strawberry and cream macaron 

Neopolitan Cupcake

Oreo giant cupcake 

Vanilla, white chocolate and marshmallow popcorn themed giant cupcake 

Oreo cake pushpops 

S'mores cupcake - chocolate cake, vanilla and chocolate frosting with marshmallow and a mini chocolate digestive biscuit all drizzled with melted chocolate

French Apple Tart - Tarte Au Pommes Francais

I recently went to cookery school for the first time. It was a bit of a bargain because I got the deal from Groupon so it was only £30 instead of £85. I enjoyed the class so much I immediately booked onto a full priced one. In May I'll be learning how to make rum truffles and white chocolates with mango centres. Yum.

The course was at Brockenhurst College and it was worth going just for what I witnessed on the drive there. I saw a pub with a sign outside banning "grannies in bikinis" and a woman being rescued by an ambulance after getting her foot stuck in a cattle grid.

Anyway, I chose to partake in the pastry class as I'm guilty of always using shop bought stuff. I know it's easy to make but I never got round to learning. The chef explained that he we would be cooking an apple tart that he used to cook when he was head chef at the Ritz - ooh, fancy.

This was the final result:

Not bad for a beginner! The apples were prepared in a totally different way than I'm used to. The chef told us putting apples in sugar and water is a crime and did go into the science of why it was wrong but I've forgotten it now. I found my once superb memory went into decline when I was on dialysis and it hasn't recovered just yet. Or perhaps I'm just getting old. *le cry*

The recipe for this glorious tarte is as follows:

Ingredients

250g plain flour

120g butter (for the pastry)

25g butter (for the apple filling)

60g castor sugar

1 egg

5 large Bramley apples

Jar of apricot jam

Put the 25g of butter into a pan and melt it until it just starts to turn brown.

Peel, core and quarter the apples. Cut them into slices about half a centimetre thick and add them to the pan of butter. You'll have to work FAST because you don't want the apples going a funny colour. 

Cook the apples until they start to resemble lumpy mashed potatoes. Do not cook them until it's smooth like baby food!

When it's ready, spread it out on a cool flat surface eg a baking tray. Try and make it as flat as possible to assist with the cooling.

Now you can start on the pastry.

Lightly grease a baking tray and an 8 inch flan ring. This recipe didn't use a conventional tart case, it was just a ring on a baking tray.

Put the flour, 120g butter and sugar into a bowl and rub together until resembling bread crumbs. 

Then add the egg and mix with your hands until it is all blended together and feels something like marzipan in texture.

Flour your work surface and roll out the pastry using light strokes. That's right folks, there is no pastry refrigeration in this recipe!! 

Using the rolling pin lift the pastry and place it over the flan ring. Push the pastry all around the bottom of the ring to make a pastry "dish". 

Roll the rolling pin across the top of the pastry to take off the excess. You can then use your thumb and index figure to crimp the pastry into a pretty shape. 

When the apple mixture is completely cooled, pour it into the pastry case. Yes, another surprise - no blind baking.

Spread it out as flat as possible so it cooks evenly. 

Take the final Bramley apple and peel, core and quarter it. Then cut into thin slices you can spread over the top of the tart. 

Cook in the oven at 180degrees for 20-25 minutes.

To glaze the tart, melt down the apricot jam and bring to the boil. Simmer for 10 minutes before generously brushing it over the top of the tart. Remember, there is no sugar in the apple mixture so this will add sweetness.

This was how my pastry case looked after all the crimping. The bottom of the pastry is in direct contact with the baking tray which is why you don't need to blind bake it. 

And here is the tart before it was baked. 

I loved doing this course because all the usual rules about pastry like chilling it before use and blind baking were completely ignored and the tarte didn't suffer for it.

You'll have a bit of pastry left over and you can add some chocolate chips or nuts and make some biscuits. Waste not want not!

I made the tarte again for Easter dessert but I used a 10 inch metal flan dish with a base from Lakeland. I used the exact same recipe but should have added another apple to the filling because it was a bit thin due to the extra couple of inches. I didn't chill the pastry and I didn't blind bake it and I was really pleased with the results. If you were going to use a ceramic or glass dish then you would need to blind bake it because the heat can't get to the base properly. I may have forgotten the science behind not soaking apples in water but I do remember that bit! 

Here's the one I made at the weekend at home without all the fancy pants equipment at cookery school *smug face* 

Monty

I want to test out my ability to understand this site and whether I can figure out how to insert images so here is a proper introduction to Monty.

He is a black and tan miniature dachshund. His name with the Kennel Club is "Almost Impeccable" and it describes him perfectly. If he were human he would no doubt wear a monocle. 

This is him when he was a puppy. I love his little fat bellykins and his ridiculous chicken drumstick legs. 

He likes to wear his bowtie and LOVES to wear little jumpers in the winter but he's not much of a fan of anything else I've tried to dress him up in. Don't worry, I haven't bought any silly hotdog outfits or puffa jackets but I am guilty of buying a Santa hat and a reindeer outfit at Christmas. Sorry Monty.

Having just claimed above that I haven't bought him any outfits that were too ridiculous, I did once dress him up as Dogtor Monty. I was very ill for two years and I'm lucky to be alive. Monty was instrumental to keeping my mood positive and if it weren't for him, I'd have been at home all week on my own feeling sorry for myself while Rich was at work. It sounds silly but he gave me a purpose in life when I felt totally useless.

Monty says hello and is very pleased to make your acquaintance. Expect lots more posts about him so if you're not a fan of dachshunds, step away now. 

*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Hi.

So, this is blogging. Something I have absolutely no experience of other than a couple of postings from back in the days of Myspace (god rest its soul).

I've started Me, Mitch, Monty and Munchables on the assumption that I'll be posting all kinds of recipes and witty accounts of everyday life but in all honesty it'll probably transcend into nonsensical ramblings and rants.

"Who is Me? Or Mitch? Or Monty?" I hear you cry! Well, I am Romany - 27 year old office worker and amateur baker. Mitch is Richard, my long suffering boyfriend and Monty is a miniature dachshund with a penchant for bowties.

My first few blogs will be my version of popular posts I've seen on other sites and a couple of recipes. That's if I can figure out how to put photos in here. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.