I do not go to the cinema to stare at the back of someones head, have my chair kicked or listen to folk talking, eating and coughing. Nor do I go to the cinema so a person with a weak bladder can tread on my foot trying to get out of their seat to visit the loos and again on their way back.
I know I'm not the only person who struggles with cretins at the cinema. Mark Kermode has bemoaned this subject for a long time and I'm always hearing people have the same complaints as me.
I don't expect total silence during the film, there are things that can't be avoided. I'm guilty of accidentally slurping my drink. If you need to sneeze or cough then there's not a lot you can do about it but if you've got a cold or the flu, do everyone a favour and stay at home. I wouldn't want a food-free zone either, I have no issue with popcorn but if you're eating sweets that have individual wrappers then I hope you choke to death on one.
I am really short - I'm only 5 foot 3 and I struggle seeing over people at the cinema. Invariably I'll end up sat behind someone who is 6 foot 5 and I'll have to swap with Rich. If you were born tall then good for you, I'm totally jealous. But please spare a tiny thought for the vertically challenged sat behind you. We went to see The Avengers on Saturday and, sure enough, a man with a giant head sat in front of me. He insisted on sitting bolt upright throughout the entire film so he was a full head and shoulders above the chair. Thankfully Rich had swapped so I was sat behind the man's son but not only was the man a contender for the Guinness world record for large craniums, he was also heavy. Rich had to sit with his legs to one side for the whole film because this guy weighed so much the chair was reclining half way into our aisle. The funny thing was that his wife told her son at the beginning of film to behave because he had to think about the people behind him but her husband was a complete dick. As it was, if I hadn't known there was a little boy sat in front of me, I'd have assumed the seat was empty. I can only assume he inherited his mothers consideration for others because he certainly didn't get it from his dad.
It doesn't get any better at the theatre either. On Sunday we saw Stewart Francis at The Pavilion. I was seated next to a hideously obnoxious man who kept elbowing me quite hard every time he had a sip of his pint. He could obviously feel that he was elbowing me but he carried on doing it. During the interval I wedged my handbag between me and the arm rest just so he couldn't hurt me. We also had one of those people sat a row in front of us too. You know, the ones that constantly try and get noticed with a weird laugh or by heckling. Piss off love, I've paid to see Stewart Francis not Maureen from the chippy. Sit down and shut up.
What the hell is wrong with people? What happened to a bit of common courtesy and self awareness? I have NEVER spent the duration of a film kicking the chair in front of me, elbowing my neighbour or texting on my phone and I'm sure the majority of people reading this haven't either. Why do a small amount of morons have to ruin it?
To date I've never purchased or downloaded a pirate movie. I'm not saying I've never watched one because I have, several in fact. But this is going to change, no doubt in the near future, because I don't know how much more I can take. Either I learn how to use a set of ninja shuriken starts so I can silently and efficiently end the lives of anyone talking at the cinema or I look into other methods of seeing the latest films.
I guess it's time to invest in a parrot and get a diamante eye patch. Yaaar me hearties.
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