Twice in the past few weeks I've been told to get a life. Once indirectly, the other directly. I suppose the first doesn't really count because it was by a person expressing their opinion about everyone who watches a certain popular weekend song based reality tv show. But the second one did make me think.
It came about because I said I was going to return a book because the shop had put 3 huge stickers on the cover and they wouldn't come off without damaging the book. For this I was told I need to stop complaining and go out and live. I've thought about it for a few weeks and my conclusion is that living is exactly what I am doing.
Anyone who knows me is aware I had a scary couple of years of ill health, goodness knows I bang on about it enough. In that time I almost died 3 times and the simple fact is that I am lucky to still be here. Obviously I'd much rather not have gone through this ordeal but there is an upside to it because I truly appreciate everything I get to experience from the mundane to the exciting.
I wrote two letters each time I was due to have an operation. One to Rich and one to my mum. I won't go into the emotional content as thankfully neither of them ever had to read them and they never will because every time I came home safely, I destroyed the letters. There's something about writing a final goodbye to the people you love that makes you appreciate them that little bit more. There's also something to be said about putting your life on paper. Your bank pin number, passwords, where you keep the car documentation, the phone numbers of people who will need to be told if something goes wrong. I know people write Wills but they're usually made on the assumption of being used a long time in the future. It's quite a humbling experience.
I may not be achieving incredible deeds or changing the world. I'll never parachute to Earth after leaping from space. I'll never run a marathon. I'll never develop a cure for the common cold. But what I will do is be happy and that is what I am - truly happy. I get to spend extra time with the people I love. I get to hug my dog, bake a cake and walk through a forest. These little joyful things are so beautiful. I see things differently now, it's not just a drink in the pub with friends, it's a chance to listen to their stories and share their lives. I went to a friends 30th birthday party recently and it wasn't just an opportunity to catch up with people I'd not seen for years, it was a chance to see people I thought I'd never see again. It's like winning first prize in a contest you didn't even know you'd entered.
And the whole thing that started this off was a bitter person judging me for wanting to return a book. But it's not just a book. The book in question was the latest Terry Pratchett novel. I've already written about why he's one of my heroes. It's not just words on paper. It's a chance to appreciate a story from a writer I have loved for over half my life. It's a chance to escape to a glorious world created by an exceptional mind. It's no secret that Terry is ill himself so every book he writes is that little bit more delicious. It's a treasure you weren't expecting to find.
It's sad that this person would be so dismissive. I need to go out and live because something I hold so dear to my heart wasn't quite right but was easily rectifiable? Being so derisive seems silly when you get the context behind it. I might think that their life isn't much to write home about. Letting your newly set up business fail so you can stay at home in your pyjamas stuffing your face all day in front of the telly while your partner goes out to work to support you and your baby. I could think that but I don't. I know better than to tell someone to get a life without knowing all the facts.
You might look at somebody's life and think it's not how you'd spend yours. That's fine. Don't spend it like them. Spend it how you want and focus your energies onto enjoying it rather than worrying about what other people are doing. Take the time to do something you love instead of commenting on how you don't love what another person is doing. The old cliché is 'you don't know what you've got until it's gone' and as ancient as it is, it doesn't stop it being true. If you spend your time looking out the window and judging what other people are doing, your own opportunities will be gone before you know it.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Monday, 8 October 2012
Ignoring X-Factor does not make you better than me
It's that time of year again, the live shows have started and the X-Factor machine is in full motion.
Anyone who watches it is fully aware that the 'competition' is far from serious. We know that the show creates characters such as the cheeky chappies portrayed as a lovable chimney sweeps who couldn't catch a break, the earth mothers who are "doing it for their kids" and the shaky-handed, terribly nervous young supermarket workers just trying to live their dream. We know it's a load of crap because the internet tells us it is. We know that the chimney sweep from this year was in fact in a successful duo that played at major festivals such as V and Wireless. We know the mother who is finding it difficult being parted from her kids as she wasn't expecting it to be so tough knows fully what would be expected because she had a record deal with EMI and has provided backing vocals for popular artists such as Kasabian. The shaky-handed, terribly nervous supermarket worker can been seen on YouTube busking in the street singing in front of a crowd and he has confirmed the producers invited him to audition.
I have all the facts and I still choose to watch it anyway. But it hasn't always been that way. I used to be like these people.
Anyone who watches it is fully aware that the 'competition' is far from serious. We know that the show creates characters such as the cheeky chappies portrayed as a lovable chimney sweeps who couldn't catch a break, the earth mothers who are "doing it for their kids" and the shaky-handed, terribly nervous young supermarket workers just trying to live their dream. We know it's a load of crap because the internet tells us it is. We know that the chimney sweep from this year was in fact in a successful duo that played at major festivals such as V and Wireless. We know the mother who is finding it difficult being parted from her kids as she wasn't expecting it to be so tough knows fully what would be expected because she had a record deal with EMI and has provided backing vocals for popular artists such as Kasabian. The shaky-handed, terribly nervous supermarket worker can been seen on YouTube busking in the street singing in front of a crowd and he has confirmed the producers invited him to audition.
I have all the facts and I still choose to watch it anyway. But it hasn't always been that way. I used to be like these people.
I used to say things like that. I couldn't believe that people actually wasted their time watching such nonsense. While everyone at work would be discussing the show I'd be scowling, scoffing at them and muttering insults about their stupidity. Friends would have X-Factor parties each weekend (back when the results and exit was the same night as the singing) and I wouldn't go because I wouldn't be seen dead watching something so far beneath me. It's quite hard to look down your nose at someone when you're only 5'3" but I gave it a bloody good go.
But where did that attitude get me? It got me nowhere. All it did was isolate me from conversations and I'd miss out on a good time. And for what? So I could feel intellectually superior over a tv show? What a monumental waste of time.
I'd come to realise this and although I was still loathe to give in and join the masses in 2009 a friends step-son was on the show and she wanted everyone to watch and support him. As it turned out he didn't make it past boot camp but by then I was already into the program so I carried on watching. For once I was able to join in with the fun, and that's all it is - a bit of fun.
Sorry Fred but I could mention Mensa, grammar school and assisting with the management and legal work on £1billion (yes one billion pounds) worth of property in London to prove my worthiness at being valued as a human being of intellect.
Apologies to Iain for holding down a job, running a household and not having any credit cards or a penny of debt because in my humble opinion that eliminates me from the idiot category.
CJ, you've never met me but thanks for the sweeping generalisation. From your timeline I can see that you spend all your money on alcohol and weed, you posted a photo mocking the disabled and you've got your phone number listed on your public profile. But yes, it must be me who is the "fucking gimp".
Finally, it is with regret that I inform you, DJ, that I did in fact 'get a life' just over a year ago when I had my kidney transplant and guess what, I still want to watch X-Factor.
Being wrong is never an easy thing to admit but I'm happy to do it. Being a judgmental cow was pointless and all that time I thought I was better than my friends and colleagues because I didn't watch it, it was really the other way round. They were better than me because they didn't judge me for not watching it.
If I choose to stay at home on a Saturday night and watch a tv show that half the country is also watching, why does that give you the right to decide that my status in humanity has become void? I know it's not real, I don't take it seriously and I have never voted for an act.
Instead of worrying about what I'm watching you should be worrying about the hatred and vitriol you feel the need to put out into the world. You're reacting like that to a tv show about singing. Really? You should take a moment to think about how utterly ridiculous that is.
You think you're above everyone on the moral high ground but you forget, it's lonely at the top.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Who are your heroes?
I have three heroes. There isn't a single day that goes by when I don't think about or thank one of them. It could be a split second thing, a quote, something about them could come up in conversation or I'll recall a specific topic. Whatever the reason, for over half my life I've thought about these people daily.
Some may think that heroes should be historic figures who have drastically improved the lives of many whilst making sacrifices in their own. Perhaps the Suffragettes who bravely campaigned to get women the vote or maybe Martin Luther King who fought for civil rights. Others might say that heroes should be people you know personally. A grandparent who was in a war, a relative who has overcome illness or a friend achieving their dream.
My heroes may not have changed the world and I might not know them but each one has had a huge impact on my life. They might not be your first choice in terms of who you admire but they are so deeply ingrained in my existence that I would be a completely different person if I hadn't discovered them.
My heroes are an author, a comedian and a playwright. Terry Pratchett, Eddie Izzard and Richard O'Brien.
Between the ages of 13-14 years old I read Witches Abroad written by Terry Pratchett, watched Glorious by Eddie Izzard and saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show penned by Richard O'Brien. It was love at first sight.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is my favourite film of all time. Yours might be something by Hitchcock, a timeless classic, have a gritty script or a bunch of heavyweight actors but mine doesn't. Mine has music, transvestites, aliens, glitter and Meatloaf. I stopped counting how many times I'd seen it when I reached the 187th viewing. Watching it with friends and us all singing along and laughing away has created some great memories for me. For years I wanted to be a Criminologist because of this film. It's shaped my love of all things sparkly. It doesn't try to be something it's not and it's completely unapologetic about it.
Terry Pratchett has single-handedly shaped my sense of humour. His Discworld books will always be the best books I will ever read because they make me laugh. When I read one I feel like it's written it just for me as I fall in love with every character, the good ones and the bad, because they are simply perfect. Their dialogue, their reactions, everything. I will stay up all night devouring page after page. When I turn a page and see one of his hilarious occasional footnotes at the bottom it's almost torture stopping myself from reading it before I get to the piece of text it relates to. I react to everything with humour, especially the serious stuff and it's all because of Sir Pratchett. In the last few years I've been told by many medical staff that my attitude to life in the shadow of serious illness is very refreshing and I have Terry to thank for that.
I don't know where to start with Eddie Izzard. Glorious was on tv one night and after watching it I was obsessed. A friend at school had watched it too and for weeks we reminisced about evil giraffes, being covered in bees and Sean Connery as Noah from the bible. I eventually bought it on VHS (remember those?!) for £17 from HMV. Over the years I've watched everything he's made, spent a fortune on collector edition box sets and been to see him live. I used to have a terrible phobia of needles and after seeing the size of the ones used in dialysis I was convinced I'd die before they'd be able to get near me with it. The psychologist offered me hypnotherapy and I had to choose somebody I admired as part of it so I chose Eddie. She used him during the hypnotherapy for me to relate to when I next needed to be brave because he was able to get on stage and make thousands of people laugh without getting stage fright. It worked. I'm completely cured. I can hold needles, even if they're in my arm. I haven't cried, thrown up or had a panic attack after seeing one on tv for over 2 years now. The change is incredible.
My heroes have shown me how to be myself, to have a sense of humour and to be brave. Three hugely important life lessons and what a wonderful trio of people to teach them.
Who are your heroes? I'd love to know.
Some may think that heroes should be historic figures who have drastically improved the lives of many whilst making sacrifices in their own. Perhaps the Suffragettes who bravely campaigned to get women the vote or maybe Martin Luther King who fought for civil rights. Others might say that heroes should be people you know personally. A grandparent who was in a war, a relative who has overcome illness or a friend achieving their dream.
My heroes may not have changed the world and I might not know them but each one has had a huge impact on my life. They might not be your first choice in terms of who you admire but they are so deeply ingrained in my existence that I would be a completely different person if I hadn't discovered them.
My heroes are an author, a comedian and a playwright. Terry Pratchett, Eddie Izzard and Richard O'Brien.
Between the ages of 13-14 years old I read Witches Abroad written by Terry Pratchett, watched Glorious by Eddie Izzard and saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show penned by Richard O'Brien. It was love at first sight.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is my favourite film of all time. Yours might be something by Hitchcock, a timeless classic, have a gritty script or a bunch of heavyweight actors but mine doesn't. Mine has music, transvestites, aliens, glitter and Meatloaf. I stopped counting how many times I'd seen it when I reached the 187th viewing. Watching it with friends and us all singing along and laughing away has created some great memories for me. For years I wanted to be a Criminologist because of this film. It's shaped my love of all things sparkly. It doesn't try to be something it's not and it's completely unapologetic about it.
Terry Pratchett has single-handedly shaped my sense of humour. His Discworld books will always be the best books I will ever read because they make me laugh. When I read one I feel like it's written it just for me as I fall in love with every character, the good ones and the bad, because they are simply perfect. Their dialogue, their reactions, everything. I will stay up all night devouring page after page. When I turn a page and see one of his hilarious occasional footnotes at the bottom it's almost torture stopping myself from reading it before I get to the piece of text it relates to. I react to everything with humour, especially the serious stuff and it's all because of Sir Pratchett. In the last few years I've been told by many medical staff that my attitude to life in the shadow of serious illness is very refreshing and I have Terry to thank for that.
I don't know where to start with Eddie Izzard. Glorious was on tv one night and after watching it I was obsessed. A friend at school had watched it too and for weeks we reminisced about evil giraffes, being covered in bees and Sean Connery as Noah from the bible. I eventually bought it on VHS (remember those?!) for £17 from HMV. Over the years I've watched everything he's made, spent a fortune on collector edition box sets and been to see him live. I used to have a terrible phobia of needles and after seeing the size of the ones used in dialysis I was convinced I'd die before they'd be able to get near me with it. The psychologist offered me hypnotherapy and I had to choose somebody I admired as part of it so I chose Eddie. She used him during the hypnotherapy for me to relate to when I next needed to be brave because he was able to get on stage and make thousands of people laugh without getting stage fright. It worked. I'm completely cured. I can hold needles, even if they're in my arm. I haven't cried, thrown up or had a panic attack after seeing one on tv for over 2 years now. The change is incredible.
My heroes have shown me how to be myself, to have a sense of humour and to be brave. Three hugely important life lessons and what a wonderful trio of people to teach them.
Who are your heroes? I'd love to know.
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Winter is here so give a cheer!
Britain is awash with people grimly coming to the realisation that Winter is upon us. October begins on Monday, there are severe weather warnings across the country and central heating systems are groaning back to life. The mood is bleak and folk are glum.
But I think you should turn that frown upside down. There are so many reasons to love Winter so here is your guide to making the most of what tends to be the most hated season.
The Weather
Now, you're probably of the opinion that there is nothing to love about the cold weather but you'd be mistaken. How often in Summer do you make plans only to have them foiled at the last minute because of the rain? That will never happen in Winter. We always plan for the worst in these upcoming months, we know it could rain at a moments notice and that it'll be cold so we can make arrangements. Plus, there's always the hope of that wonderful rare beast making an appearance - The Snow Day. You go to bed and when you wake up in the morning the streets are under a blanket of glorious white frosty glitter. The roads aren't safe so you couldn't possibly make your way to the office, the kids can't go to school and everyone gets a fun packed day off. I know for some people like doctors, firemen and the police that snow days mean a lot more hassle and I salute them for putting up with it while the rest of us snuggle under the duvet or have a snowball fight.
The Fashion
This one is probably more for the girls than the boys. Winter fashion is simply superb - chunky jumpers and boots a-go-go. Summer fashion is great too, all the floaty dresses and sandals etc but there is so much work to go with it. Fake tan, hair removal, pedicures and the all the rest. In Winter you can put on some tights and nobody is going to know that you've not shaved your legs. For the insecure among us the constant pressure of having a Bikini Body disappears for another year. Sure the wind and rain might spoil our hair and make-up a few times but it's not much that can't be fixed with a comb and a quick touch up. Hayfever on the other hand ensures that you look like a puffy eyed, runny nosed, groggy goblin all day long.
The Sleep
No more sleepless nights is a big enough reason to break out the flags and welcome Winter. You can go to bed and not spend hours tossing and turning because of the muggy heated nights. It might be cold outside but you've got a hot water bottle, your favourite pyjamas and a heavily togged duvet. A good nights sleep is practically guaranteed.
The Food
We all love seasonal fresh fruit and salads in Summer but they can't compare to the pure comfort of Winter food. Folk can dust off the slow cookers, chuck in a few ingredients and when they get home from work they have a perfect casserole waiting for them. No fuss, no effort. Winter hails the return of the Roast Dinner. Just pause for a moment to savour the thought. ROAST DINNERS. Succulent meat, fluffy potatoes, piles of vegetables, gravy. All on the same plate. It's a dream come true.
The Celebrations
Christmas. Christmas. Christmas.
Many people don't like the run up to Christmas as they feel it's been hijacked by shops and is too commercial. That's fine and I can see where they're coming from. Personally I absolutely LOVE Christmas. It's not about the money it's about the spirit. I enjoy Christmas because of the time spent with loved ones and the extended break from work. Even the naysayers who don't enjoy the run up to the big day chill out and enjoy themselves. It's perfectly acceptable to drink a bucks fizz for breakfast, have a few Baileys during the day and polish off some spirits in the afternoon so even if you can't bring yourself to enjoy the festivities, at least you can blot the day out in a haze of alcohol.
So, next time you look out the window and feel a bit bleak, remember that there are loads of reasons not to regret the onset of Winter. Grab yourself a hot water bottle and some roast potatoes and enjoy them.
But I think you should turn that frown upside down. There are so many reasons to love Winter so here is your guide to making the most of what tends to be the most hated season.
The Weather
Now, you're probably of the opinion that there is nothing to love about the cold weather but you'd be mistaken. How often in Summer do you make plans only to have them foiled at the last minute because of the rain? That will never happen in Winter. We always plan for the worst in these upcoming months, we know it could rain at a moments notice and that it'll be cold so we can make arrangements. Plus, there's always the hope of that wonderful rare beast making an appearance - The Snow Day. You go to bed and when you wake up in the morning the streets are under a blanket of glorious white frosty glitter. The roads aren't safe so you couldn't possibly make your way to the office, the kids can't go to school and everyone gets a fun packed day off. I know for some people like doctors, firemen and the police that snow days mean a lot more hassle and I salute them for putting up with it while the rest of us snuggle under the duvet or have a snowball fight.
The Fashion
This one is probably more for the girls than the boys. Winter fashion is simply superb - chunky jumpers and boots a-go-go. Summer fashion is great too, all the floaty dresses and sandals etc but there is so much work to go with it. Fake tan, hair removal, pedicures and the all the rest. In Winter you can put on some tights and nobody is going to know that you've not shaved your legs. For the insecure among us the constant pressure of having a Bikini Body disappears for another year. Sure the wind and rain might spoil our hair and make-up a few times but it's not much that can't be fixed with a comb and a quick touch up. Hayfever on the other hand ensures that you look like a puffy eyed, runny nosed, groggy goblin all day long.
The Sleep
No more sleepless nights is a big enough reason to break out the flags and welcome Winter. You can go to bed and not spend hours tossing and turning because of the muggy heated nights. It might be cold outside but you've got a hot water bottle, your favourite pyjamas and a heavily togged duvet. A good nights sleep is practically guaranteed.
The Food
We all love seasonal fresh fruit and salads in Summer but they can't compare to the pure comfort of Winter food. Folk can dust off the slow cookers, chuck in a few ingredients and when they get home from work they have a perfect casserole waiting for them. No fuss, no effort. Winter hails the return of the Roast Dinner. Just pause for a moment to savour the thought. ROAST DINNERS. Succulent meat, fluffy potatoes, piles of vegetables, gravy. All on the same plate. It's a dream come true.
The Celebrations
Christmas. Christmas. Christmas.
Many people don't like the run up to Christmas as they feel it's been hijacked by shops and is too commercial. That's fine and I can see where they're coming from. Personally I absolutely LOVE Christmas. It's not about the money it's about the spirit. I enjoy Christmas because of the time spent with loved ones and the extended break from work. Even the naysayers who don't enjoy the run up to the big day chill out and enjoy themselves. It's perfectly acceptable to drink a bucks fizz for breakfast, have a few Baileys during the day and polish off some spirits in the afternoon so even if you can't bring yourself to enjoy the festivities, at least you can blot the day out in a haze of alcohol.
So, next time you look out the window and feel a bit bleak, remember that there are loads of reasons not to regret the onset of Winter. Grab yourself a hot water bottle and some roast potatoes and enjoy them.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Normal Girls Are Not Jealous of Strippers. Fact.
I love being a girl. Despite what the feminists may think of me I love being able to buy shoes for every occasion. I love being able to paint my nails in all the colours of the rainbows and top them with glitter. I love being able to go all out with my eyeshadow.
But most of all I love being able to appreciate the beauty of other women without worrying what my friends or society thinks of me. I can watch Doctor Who and marvel over Karen Gillan with her perfect skin. I can see a photo of Rihanna in a bikini and say "wow - what a body". I can go shopping with a friend and tell her that she's found a killer top that flatters her in all the right places. I can talk about Emma Stone being a total babe with my other female friends without worrying that they'll think I'm secretly in the closet. Sadly, this is something men can't do. If a bloke went to the pub and said to his friends "Cor, have you seen Eric in True Blood? That is something special" he would be mocked relentlessly probably for the rest of his life.
Girls can find beauty in other girls when men might overlook it. We can see a beautiful smile, great hair or sparkling eyes while men might just see body or bust sizes. I know the old adage 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' but I wish that men could understand how women work when it comes to rating other women.
What comes up time and time again is if any man overhears any woman making what he perceives to be a negative remark about a semi-naked female. It could be a Page 3 girl, a porn star or even that strange creature in a body stocking on X-Factor last week and it might be a remark as innocent as "oops, she's forgotten to fake tan her underarms". The first thing he will say is "you're only saying that because you're jealous".
No. We. Are. Not.
What are we supposed to be jealous of exactly? That we aren't in the paper pouting whilst simultaneously cupping our breasts? Oh wait, maybe we're supposed to be jealous that we aren't as thin as the model. Or should we be jealous that we aren't as pretty? It doesn't work that way. We might say "oh dear, she's got an orange face from the wrong foundation" but that doesn't mean we're slating her or calling her ugly. It's just an observation. Looking a picture of a female celeb on the red carpet and saying that we don't like her dress because it's not the right cut for her isn't a catty remark, it's simply a fashion critique. We may have swooned over her dress at an awards ceremony the week before.
Men are allowed to openly criticise and pass judgement on other men when it comes to sports but they're not laughed at and called jealous. If anything, men are more likely to be jealous of their sporting heroes than girls are of strippers. Getting paid a ton of cash to kick a ball around, have a huge house, fast car and a good looking wife is obviously quite the incentive. On the other hand being a stripper means an eternity of dieting, plucking, waxing, shaving, dying, straightening, cleansing, toning, moisturising and dancing around for men who can't find a woman willing to get naked for him without being paid. Creepy and a lot of hard work.
Some girls might have an issue with the man, or indeed woman, in her life watching porn or looking at boobs on Page 3 but it's not out of jealousy. It's out of respect for herself.
At some point in every woman's life they have tried to impress their significant other. For some this could involve a 3 day pampering ritual starting with the removal of all their body hair from the neck down, others may go to the hairdresser or they could simply wear that special dress they know their partner loves. Standing there naked with it all hanging out and on show is pretty much the least effort you can go to.
Ask any man if he'd be happy with his daughter, sister or girlfriend doing porn or Page 3 and the chances are he'll say no. Why? Because he knows how men think and that they will only see her as a pair of boobs with no respect. So it's ok for men to forget these girls are human beings and talk about what they'd like to do to her and objectify her but if another woman says she should reshape her eyebrows then she's the one in the wrong because she's jealous? Yes, it all makes perfect sense.
Personally I don't see anything wrong with getting your body out as a career so long as it is something you haven't been forced into. My cousin has made a fortune from dancing round a pole. She's paid for her house, always has a new car, nice clothes and the latest gadgets etc. and it's been her choice. She's a genius because essentially men are paying her to wiggle to the music for a few minutes. They don't get to touch her and if they annoy her she can get them thrown out, minus their money of course.
Guys, if you took a girl home to meet your parents and had to tell them that she was a topless model would you be comfortable doing it? If your mum didn't approve you almost certainly wouldn't say it was because she was jealous would you? So why do you say it to your platonic friends and colleagues?
The next time you hear a girl say something about another woman don't assume the worst and think she's been possessed by the green-eyed monster. Respect her enough to acknowledge that she's allowed an opinion on whether nipple tassels look tacky.
But most of all I love being able to appreciate the beauty of other women without worrying what my friends or society thinks of me. I can watch Doctor Who and marvel over Karen Gillan with her perfect skin. I can see a photo of Rihanna in a bikini and say "wow - what a body". I can go shopping with a friend and tell her that she's found a killer top that flatters her in all the right places. I can talk about Emma Stone being a total babe with my other female friends without worrying that they'll think I'm secretly in the closet. Sadly, this is something men can't do. If a bloke went to the pub and said to his friends "Cor, have you seen Eric in True Blood? That is something special" he would be mocked relentlessly probably for the rest of his life.
Girls can find beauty in other girls when men might overlook it. We can see a beautiful smile, great hair or sparkling eyes while men might just see body or bust sizes. I know the old adage 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' but I wish that men could understand how women work when it comes to rating other women.
What comes up time and time again is if any man overhears any woman making what he perceives to be a negative remark about a semi-naked female. It could be a Page 3 girl, a porn star or even that strange creature in a body stocking on X-Factor last week and it might be a remark as innocent as "oops, she's forgotten to fake tan her underarms". The first thing he will say is "you're only saying that because you're jealous".
No. We. Are. Not.
What are we supposed to be jealous of exactly? That we aren't in the paper pouting whilst simultaneously cupping our breasts? Oh wait, maybe we're supposed to be jealous that we aren't as thin as the model. Or should we be jealous that we aren't as pretty? It doesn't work that way. We might say "oh dear, she's got an orange face from the wrong foundation" but that doesn't mean we're slating her or calling her ugly. It's just an observation. Looking a picture of a female celeb on the red carpet and saying that we don't like her dress because it's not the right cut for her isn't a catty remark, it's simply a fashion critique. We may have swooned over her dress at an awards ceremony the week before.
Men are allowed to openly criticise and pass judgement on other men when it comes to sports but they're not laughed at and called jealous. If anything, men are more likely to be jealous of their sporting heroes than girls are of strippers. Getting paid a ton of cash to kick a ball around, have a huge house, fast car and a good looking wife is obviously quite the incentive. On the other hand being a stripper means an eternity of dieting, plucking, waxing, shaving, dying, straightening, cleansing, toning, moisturising and dancing around for men who can't find a woman willing to get naked for him without being paid. Creepy and a lot of hard work.
Some girls might have an issue with the man, or indeed woman, in her life watching porn or looking at boobs on Page 3 but it's not out of jealousy. It's out of respect for herself.
At some point in every woman's life they have tried to impress their significant other. For some this could involve a 3 day pampering ritual starting with the removal of all their body hair from the neck down, others may go to the hairdresser or they could simply wear that special dress they know their partner loves. Standing there naked with it all hanging out and on show is pretty much the least effort you can go to.
Ask any man if he'd be happy with his daughter, sister or girlfriend doing porn or Page 3 and the chances are he'll say no. Why? Because he knows how men think and that they will only see her as a pair of boobs with no respect. So it's ok for men to forget these girls are human beings and talk about what they'd like to do to her and objectify her but if another woman says she should reshape her eyebrows then she's the one in the wrong because she's jealous? Yes, it all makes perfect sense.
Personally I don't see anything wrong with getting your body out as a career so long as it is something you haven't been forced into. My cousin has made a fortune from dancing round a pole. She's paid for her house, always has a new car, nice clothes and the latest gadgets etc. and it's been her choice. She's a genius because essentially men are paying her to wiggle to the music for a few minutes. They don't get to touch her and if they annoy her she can get them thrown out, minus their money of course.
Guys, if you took a girl home to meet your parents and had to tell them that she was a topless model would you be comfortable doing it? If your mum didn't approve you almost certainly wouldn't say it was because she was jealous would you? So why do you say it to your platonic friends and colleagues?
The next time you hear a girl say something about another woman don't assume the worst and think she's been possessed by the green-eyed monster. Respect her enough to acknowledge that she's allowed an opinion on whether nipple tassels look tacky.
Monday, 17 September 2012
The Fasting/Foraging Diet
I don't think I've ever felt more popular than I have this past week. Firstly there have been a ton of questions about the Oreo Truffle recipe and secondly I've been road testing a diet that I recently heard about which has definitely got people talking.
By way of a bit of background info, I would never say I've struggled with my weight until now. My wardrobe has clothes that range from a 10 to a 16 and it's never been a problem. I have beefed up and slimmed down more times than a celeb with a fitness video because I love the wrong kinds of food. It may also surprise people to learn that I am an incredibly fussy eater. Most of the time when I'm trying out a new recipe I won't be eating it myself, it'll just be Rich or the rest of my family while I sit down with toast.
In the past I would have no trouble shedding the pounds in a very short space of time. If I had an event to go to I knew I could do my self-invented Lucozade diet and I'd be guaranteed to lose half a stone in 5 days. The Slimming World diet would guarantee a drop in dress size in a month. All that has changed since I started taking steroids for my kidney transplant. I put on THREE STONE in 4 months after the transplant due to the steroids and even though I stopped taking them in July, their legacy lives on. It's still soul-destroyingly difficult to lose even one pound a week so I'm willing to try anything.
The premise of the diet is this: fast on one day, feed on the next. The original diet is called the 5:2 diet because you fast on 2 alternating days eating less than 600 calories and eat whatever you want regardless of calories on the others. For the first 2 days of the diet I thought the feeding days had a limit of 1600 calories but I changed this on day three when I found out. I also decided to fast on Monday, Wednesday and Friday with a limit of 500 calories a day.
I weighed myself on Monday morning and saw I have 6.6lbs I want to lose as quickly as possible. Throughout the week I drink only water and Pepsi Max. I don't drink tea or coffee anyway so having to cut these out to save on calories from milk and sugar isn't an issue for me.
Monday - fasting
I skip breakfast and by lunchtime I'm not even remotely hungry. Surprisingly I don't get hungry until 5pm so I eat some Nutri-Grain breakfast biscuits at 189 calories. They fill me up and I'm fine until 8pm when I have a slice of dry toast at 100 calories. Total calories for the day 289 with no side effects or feeling ill.
Tuesday - feeding
Again, I'm not hungry at breakfast so I skip it. At work I feel fine, no problems at all. I have some breakfast biscuits for lunch at 189 calories. At 5pm I'm starving but Rich is at the cinema tonight so I'm not cooking any dinner and I'm too lazy to make something for just me. I have a packet of Wotsits, a plain wrap and a Rice Krispie square which comes in at under 450 calories. Only 2 hours later I'm ravenous so I raid the freezer to find something quick to cook and come up trumps with some Tesco potato animal shapes, hardly cordon bleu healthy cuisine but it'll do. I have them with some ketchup and it comes to 500 calories. Total for today 1,139 calories.
Wednesday - fasting
I realise I've been missing loads of nutrients so I decide from now on my fasting days will consist of breakfast biscuits, an apple and grape bag, a banana and a Babybel. This totals 380 calories giving me a 120 calorie buffer if I need it. I've come to the conclusion that I can miss breakfast without it upsetting me so today is no different. I do notice today that I'm incredibly scatty. I do the weekly food shop and buy the wrong crisps for Rich. I also keep leaving things around the house and forgetting what I was doing 2 seconds before. Putting the shopping away is frustrating because I kept misplacing things. I eat my biscuits, apple and grapes, banana and Babybel by 5pm but by 6pm I feel like I've not eaten at all. I have another Babybel and I'm fine after that. Total calories for today 450.
Thursday - feeding
I wake up at 5.45am to take Rich to the station for a business trip. By the time I get home I feel like I could eat a horse. I practically inhale 2 scotch pancakes, some breakfast biscuits and a class of milk. This comes in at a whopping 500 calories - more than I ate in the entire day yesterday. At work all I can think about is food and I start planning my lunch from 9.01am. I get home at 1pm and I cook 100 grams of pasta and add 3 tablespoons of tomato pasata and 15g of cheese. I also cook 2 pieces of garlic bread. Lunch is around 600 calories and I'm in physical pain after eating it. I lay on the sofa unable to move because I feel sick from eating so much in one go but all I can think about is something sweet so 30 minutes later I steal one of Rich's cake bars at 135 calories. I don't have any dinner but when I collect Rich from the station at 8pm he says he's hungry. We go to Burger King drive-thru as it's quick and easy. Despite stuffing my face all day long I order a Rodeo Burger for 585 calories and eat it all. I am horrified at how much food I've eaten today and feel disgusted with myself. I can't see how I'm going to lose any weight like this. I feel heavy, fat, depressed and bloated. Total calories for today 1,820.
Friday - fasting
I'm painting the meeting room at work today. I have no breakfast again but I feel great all morning, full of energy and able to climb up and down step ladders without any trouble. I go straight to the shopping centre after work to buy a book. As I walk past Boots I have to fight the the urge to throw-up because of the smell of cosmetics wafting out the door. I realise I should have eaten before going. I go to bed when I get home for a nap without eating. I don't get hungry at all today. I have some breakfast biscuits at 6pm. An hour later I have a Babybel and a banana. I have a shot of Malibu as well. Total calories for today is under 400.
Saturday and Sunday - feeding
I didn't really calorie count at the weekend. I just ate whenever I was hungry.
On Saturday I had some Philadelphia Light Garlic & Herbs with some crackers and 3 mini Twix bites (about 1 side of a normal Twix) at lunch time. For our dinner I want to use up some of the random bits and pieces in the fridge so I grill some sausages and cut them up really fine. I mix them with pasta, pasata and cheese. I also have a tiny chunk of garlic tear and share bread. Oh, and 2 slices of halloumi. Later on I have a caramel shortbread.
On Sunday I have a slice of white bread with a very thin spread of smooth peanut butter for breakfast. Between 10am and 6pm I have 2 Oreo cookies and an Oreo Truffle, nothing else. I then have more Philadelphia and crackers. I'm still hungry an hour later though so I have a plain wrap and a banana. I also have a (hefty) shot of Malibu.
THE WEIGH IN - EEK
I think about all the terrible food I've eaten this week. Chocolate, bread, peanut butter, a packet of Wotsits, a burger, cheese, pasta etc. I am appalled at how much junk I've eaten and I'm convinced I can't have lost any weight having had all that crap. I can imagine the renal dietician having a fit over the lack of fruit and vegetables and I cringe at the thought.
To my amazement when I step on the scales I've lost 2.6lbs - over a kilo. The fact I usually struggle to lose even 1lb a week makes this a small miracle.
I haven't felt dizzy once. I've kept a very close eye on my blood sugar levels and every time I've tested them they are well within the healthy recommendations of between 5 and 7. I've not experienced any headaches and aside from being a bit scatty and almost being sick outside Boots I've felt ok all week. On my fasting days I've cooked dinner for Rich and haven't once been tempted to snaffle a mouthful or steal a bit.
Overall, I've loved this diet but I think it encourages you to eat junk on your days off. There isn't a single vegetable on my entire weekly intake and that is simply not good enough. I don't especially like vegetables anyway but I can certainly make more of an effort to include them. Now that I've had a week on the diet I know what to expect so I can make adjustments accordingly.
I will continue with the diet for the planned 3 week period and I'm seriously considering keeping it up for the rest of the year.
By way of a bit of background info, I would never say I've struggled with my weight until now. My wardrobe has clothes that range from a 10 to a 16 and it's never been a problem. I have beefed up and slimmed down more times than a celeb with a fitness video because I love the wrong kinds of food. It may also surprise people to learn that I am an incredibly fussy eater. Most of the time when I'm trying out a new recipe I won't be eating it myself, it'll just be Rich or the rest of my family while I sit down with toast.
In the past I would have no trouble shedding the pounds in a very short space of time. If I had an event to go to I knew I could do my self-invented Lucozade diet and I'd be guaranteed to lose half a stone in 5 days. The Slimming World diet would guarantee a drop in dress size in a month. All that has changed since I started taking steroids for my kidney transplant. I put on THREE STONE in 4 months after the transplant due to the steroids and even though I stopped taking them in July, their legacy lives on. It's still soul-destroyingly difficult to lose even one pound a week so I'm willing to try anything.
The premise of the diet is this: fast on one day, feed on the next. The original diet is called the 5:2 diet because you fast on 2 alternating days eating less than 600 calories and eat whatever you want regardless of calories on the others. For the first 2 days of the diet I thought the feeding days had a limit of 1600 calories but I changed this on day three when I found out. I also decided to fast on Monday, Wednesday and Friday with a limit of 500 calories a day.
I weighed myself on Monday morning and saw I have 6.6lbs I want to lose as quickly as possible. Throughout the week I drink only water and Pepsi Max. I don't drink tea or coffee anyway so having to cut these out to save on calories from milk and sugar isn't an issue for me.
Monday - fasting
I skip breakfast and by lunchtime I'm not even remotely hungry. Surprisingly I don't get hungry until 5pm so I eat some Nutri-Grain breakfast biscuits at 189 calories. They fill me up and I'm fine until 8pm when I have a slice of dry toast at 100 calories. Total calories for the day 289 with no side effects or feeling ill.
Tuesday - feeding
Again, I'm not hungry at breakfast so I skip it. At work I feel fine, no problems at all. I have some breakfast biscuits for lunch at 189 calories. At 5pm I'm starving but Rich is at the cinema tonight so I'm not cooking any dinner and I'm too lazy to make something for just me. I have a packet of Wotsits, a plain wrap and a Rice Krispie square which comes in at under 450 calories. Only 2 hours later I'm ravenous so I raid the freezer to find something quick to cook and come up trumps with some Tesco potato animal shapes, hardly cordon bleu healthy cuisine but it'll do. I have them with some ketchup and it comes to 500 calories. Total for today 1,139 calories.
Wednesday - fasting
I realise I've been missing loads of nutrients so I decide from now on my fasting days will consist of breakfast biscuits, an apple and grape bag, a banana and a Babybel. This totals 380 calories giving me a 120 calorie buffer if I need it. I've come to the conclusion that I can miss breakfast without it upsetting me so today is no different. I do notice today that I'm incredibly scatty. I do the weekly food shop and buy the wrong crisps for Rich. I also keep leaving things around the house and forgetting what I was doing 2 seconds before. Putting the shopping away is frustrating because I kept misplacing things. I eat my biscuits, apple and grapes, banana and Babybel by 5pm but by 6pm I feel like I've not eaten at all. I have another Babybel and I'm fine after that. Total calories for today 450.
Thursday - feeding
I wake up at 5.45am to take Rich to the station for a business trip. By the time I get home I feel like I could eat a horse. I practically inhale 2 scotch pancakes, some breakfast biscuits and a class of milk. This comes in at a whopping 500 calories - more than I ate in the entire day yesterday. At work all I can think about is food and I start planning my lunch from 9.01am. I get home at 1pm and I cook 100 grams of pasta and add 3 tablespoons of tomato pasata and 15g of cheese. I also cook 2 pieces of garlic bread. Lunch is around 600 calories and I'm in physical pain after eating it. I lay on the sofa unable to move because I feel sick from eating so much in one go but all I can think about is something sweet so 30 minutes later I steal one of Rich's cake bars at 135 calories. I don't have any dinner but when I collect Rich from the station at 8pm he says he's hungry. We go to Burger King drive-thru as it's quick and easy. Despite stuffing my face all day long I order a Rodeo Burger for 585 calories and eat it all. I am horrified at how much food I've eaten today and feel disgusted with myself. I can't see how I'm going to lose any weight like this. I feel heavy, fat, depressed and bloated. Total calories for today 1,820.
Friday - fasting
I'm painting the meeting room at work today. I have no breakfast again but I feel great all morning, full of energy and able to climb up and down step ladders without any trouble. I go straight to the shopping centre after work to buy a book. As I walk past Boots I have to fight the the urge to throw-up because of the smell of cosmetics wafting out the door. I realise I should have eaten before going. I go to bed when I get home for a nap without eating. I don't get hungry at all today. I have some breakfast biscuits at 6pm. An hour later I have a Babybel and a banana. I have a shot of Malibu as well. Total calories for today is under 400.
Saturday and Sunday - feeding
I didn't really calorie count at the weekend. I just ate whenever I was hungry.
On Saturday I had some Philadelphia Light Garlic & Herbs with some crackers and 3 mini Twix bites (about 1 side of a normal Twix) at lunch time. For our dinner I want to use up some of the random bits and pieces in the fridge so I grill some sausages and cut them up really fine. I mix them with pasta, pasata and cheese. I also have a tiny chunk of garlic tear and share bread. Oh, and 2 slices of halloumi. Later on I have a caramel shortbread.
On Sunday I have a slice of white bread with a very thin spread of smooth peanut butter for breakfast. Between 10am and 6pm I have 2 Oreo cookies and an Oreo Truffle, nothing else. I then have more Philadelphia and crackers. I'm still hungry an hour later though so I have a plain wrap and a banana. I also have a (hefty) shot of Malibu.
THE WEIGH IN - EEK
I think about all the terrible food I've eaten this week. Chocolate, bread, peanut butter, a packet of Wotsits, a burger, cheese, pasta etc. I am appalled at how much junk I've eaten and I'm convinced I can't have lost any weight having had all that crap. I can imagine the renal dietician having a fit over the lack of fruit and vegetables and I cringe at the thought.
To my amazement when I step on the scales I've lost 2.6lbs - over a kilo. The fact I usually struggle to lose even 1lb a week makes this a small miracle.
I haven't felt dizzy once. I've kept a very close eye on my blood sugar levels and every time I've tested them they are well within the healthy recommendations of between 5 and 7. I've not experienced any headaches and aside from being a bit scatty and almost being sick outside Boots I've felt ok all week. On my fasting days I've cooked dinner for Rich and haven't once been tempted to snaffle a mouthful or steal a bit.
Overall, I've loved this diet but I think it encourages you to eat junk on your days off. There isn't a single vegetable on my entire weekly intake and that is simply not good enough. I don't especially like vegetables anyway but I can certainly make more of an effort to include them. Now that I've had a week on the diet I know what to expect so I can make adjustments accordingly.
I will continue with the diet for the planned 3 week period and I'm seriously considering keeping it up for the rest of the year.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Oreo Truffle Bites
Oreo Truffle Bites
I recently made some brownies with a layer of Oreo truffle on the top. The amount of questions I got about the truffle bit was insane. This week alone three of my friends have made them and others are planning on giving them a go. I figured I should do a more detailed blog concentrating just on the truffle recipe, so I have. In my original recipe I used a mixture of chocolate spread and cream cheese to make the truffles but this time round I've stuck with just the chocolate spread.
As you can see from the picture above I have decorated mine with some milk chocolate. You can use absolutely anything your heart desires. If you're a sprinkles fan you can shake some over while the chocolate is still wet, you could roll them in coconut flakes, dust them with edible glitter, top them with Oreo crumbs, add some popping candy... the possibilities are limitless.
Here comes the science.
Ingredients.
2 packets of Oreos
1 packet of SilverSpoon white chocolate cake covering
Chocolate spread, Nutella or Cadbury is fine
Petit Four cases (not strictly an ingredient!)
Break the Oreos into a food processor. Keep back 2 or 3 cookies just in case the mixture goes too wet when you add the chocolate spread. If you don't need them I'm sure you can find some other use for them *stuffs left over Oreo into mouth*
Blitz the broken Oreos until you get some really fine crumbs.
Now add two heaped tablespoons of chocolate spread. This will not be enough to finish the mixture but it's just to get it going.
You should get something that looks like this.
As you can see it's still dry and crumbly. You need to add more chocolate spread in small amounts until the mixture comes together into a shiny dough. If the dough becomes too wet you won't be able to make truffle shapes out of it which is why having a couple of spare back up cookies is a good idea. If you need to use them bash them with a rolling pin a few times to break them up and add them to the mixture.
Once you have your shiny, smooth dough you can start making truffles. Place a piece of greaseproof paper onto a tray. Roll chunks of dough into balls and set them on the tray to rest. I'm sure you'll do a better job than I did at getting them all the same size. Oops!
Keep going until all the mixture is gone. Put the tray in the fridge for 30 minutes to firm up the truffles as they'll be easier to coat in chocolate.
Melt your chocolate however you want. I prefer to do mine in a glass bowl in the microwave by blasting the chocolate in 25 second batches, stirring and then repeating until it has all melted. You could of course melt yours in a double boiler on the stove top. Dip the truffles in chocolate one at a time and roll them around to get an even coating. Let as much chocolate drip off as possible over the bowl and then put them back on your paper covered tray. If you put them down with one swift movement and don't let them move around on the paper your puddle of chocolate under the truffle will be smaller and neater. I used two teaspoons to get them in and out of the chocolate. Remember, if you're using sprinkles or want something to stick to the outside of the truffles you need to put it on while the chocolate is still wet. If you're decorating them with more chocolate you can leave them to set while you get on with coating the others.
I decided to use up some left over milk chocolate to decorate mine. I melted it and used a small piping bag to drizzle the chocolate over the top of the truffles. Then I put them into colourful petit four cases.
I'm taking these truffles to work so to safely transport them there I've lined a cake box with some purple tissue paper and lined them up neatly. I think they look great in this box and they've come out better than expected.
These truffles are so easy and quick to make and there isn't really a wrong way of doing them. If your mixture isn't smooth then it doesn't matter, I think getting a little crunchy bit of Oreo inside would be an extra treat. Since no baking is involved they'd be a great thing to do with your kids because they can get involved. Obviously they wouldn't be able to use the food processor but if you transfer the dough to a separate bowl they can get stuck in with both hands making shapes and covering them in chocolate. Perfect messy fun for a weekend afternoon. They're relatively cheap to make too. The Oreos and chocolate cost less than £3 and by the time you add in a few spoonfuls of chocolate spread, petit four cases and some sprinkles you'll still have change from a fiver and you'll have 30 truffles out of it!
Here are some of the fabulous truffles my friends made this week.
Made by the Emma. Follow her here on Twitter. They look ace, who can resist sprinkles?!
Made by Sam. Follow her here on Twitter. What a great idea for a thank you gift, wouldn't you love to receive a little bag of these?
Made by Charley. Follow her here on Twitter. Making them into lollies is nothing short of genius.
If you make some of these truffles, let me know and I'll add your photo to the little gallery of delicousness I've got here!
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