Summer, summer, summer time. Makes me want to moan and whine.

Firstly, you will NEVER hear me complain about it being too cold in winter. I'm not one of these infuriating people who can't seem to ever find satisfaction with the weather. I may express surprise at how heavy the rain is, how strong the wind is or how low the temperature may be but I certainly won't moan about it. For me winter is bliss.

I do acknowledge that summer does have some benefits but I think the negatives vastly outweigh the positives.

The first hot day of the year is when the madness begins. Everybody forgets what happened the previous year or the year before that or the year before that. Pasty white morons open their curtains, see the sun and lose all sense of reason. Off they go to fill up the beaches, parks and beer gardens. They've invested in new sunglasses, bikinis, shorts and flip flops but haven't purchased the one thing they should have done. Sunscreen. Sure enough, several hours later Facebook and Twitter is swamped by these cretins posting photos of their lobster pink sun damaged flesh. This continues over the next few days with every new victim seeming to be genuinely surprised at what has happened to them.

All the people with reverse body dysmorphia come out of the woodwork. I live on the coast and think we suffer more than most with this terrible summer affliction. Swathes of baggy, saggy, sweaty, hairy skin is exposed (usually lobster pink - see above) for the world to gag at. What you wear on the beach is up to you but at what point does it become acceptable for men to wander round the shops wearing nothing but speedos or women to wear a bikini in Asda? You would never roam the streets in your underwear so why do it in your swimwear? There's a lot of press about airbrushing and super skinny celebs at the moment and how it has a negative impact on how people see their own bodies. If you have the self-confidence to show your body off then seriously, good for you but there is a time and a place. The clammy, hairy moobs of a balding middle aged man or the hulking stretchmarked gut of a size 20 woman should be covered up in the majority of public places.

The summer insomnia begins. The air is thick and muggy outside, there is no breeze and you're genuinely concerned that you may melt into a puddle during the night. When you do finally drop off you're woken up obscenely early by the sun coming up at 5am. The daytime heat saps the energy from you yet by the next nightfall, even though you're exhausted, it's once again too warm for you to sleep. You become ratty, snappy and emotional. You're grateful when a thunderstorm is predicted on the weather forecast because you know you'll finally get some rest. That's assuming that you aren't lobster pink and therefore unable to find a single comfortable position due to the agony of sunburn.


The insects come out in force. You're roasting hot and want to cool down but you can't have an ice lolly or a nice drink because the wasps will come after you. You'll end up running around and waving your arms like a lunatic and by the end of it you're hotter than you were in the beginning. The mosquitoes feast upon your flesh leaving your body adorned will itchy little bumps making you constantly scratch therefore adding to the nightmare of summer insomnia.

Hayfever destroys your life. If you're a sufferer then you can't leave the house (which is actually a good thing given the probability of you being lobster pink) and even if you don't suffer from it, you can't escape the constant sneezing/sniffing of the people around you. There is a limit to the effectiveness of allergy tablets and every year I'm amazed I haven't blinded myself by scratching out my itchy eyes or that I haven't punched someone who's left the house without any tissues. BLOW YOUR GODDAM NOSE.

The moaning never stops. It's too hot. I couldn't sleep last night. My face is peeling. Why doesn't this office have air con. I can't breathe. This mozzy bite is driving me mad. Mike at work has forgotten his deodorant again and he stinks.

The only plus sides to summer are being able to get your washing dry quickly and barbecues but even they aren't proper positives. We all know the summer law that any cloud coverage or rain will take place on the weekends. Many a bbq ends indoors after a sudden flash of bad weather (assuming you've got any guests and they aren't at home nursing their lobster pink skin).

I hate the summer and if you're honest with yourself, so do you.